I Hate January!

It’s official. I hate January and don’t really like its cousin February. Every year I try to mentally prep myself for January’s arrival; but no matter how much I try to prepare, it still takes me by storm. Every January our entire family goes down with the flu, usually more than once. Because there are six of us, we just pass it around and around. Well, this January we stayed right on track. Our family was wiped out with the flu, not once, not twice, but three times! I finally bought a bottle of Lysol and sprayed every single thing in our entire house.

What I hate more than all that, though, is the depression I always sink into in January and often into February. We live in Pennsylvania where January and February are just gloomy, cold, wet, snowy, and mostly depressing. Every year I know it’s coming, yet every year I feel like January and February knock me to the ground.

This year was no different. Along with the flu, we have had “life” happening all around us. And you know, life is just messy sometimes. We have been in the midst of the “mess.” I knew it was all affecting me, but I didn’t know how deeply until this past Wednesday at our growth group. Somebody brought up something that was frustrating me and had been on my mind all day, and I hit the roof. I wasn’t upset at them, just upset at the situation. I tried to calm down. As I did, I looked around the room. Everybody was looking at me in shock. One member of our small group said, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this worked up before. ” Another person said, “I told my husband that I bet Amanda can be vicious sometimes.”

Apparently I’m Vicious

Vicious? Vicious?! Really?? I sat there in stunned silence, silently arguing in my head that I am not vicious! We were able to turn our small group around, ending the evening on a good note. But that conversation stayed with me long past that night. Vicious? I couldn’t stop thinking about it and feeling sick. I’m a child of God, a pastor’s wife, and this is how people see me? I felt all the pain of that night sinking in. I had been under pressure for the past several weeks and it had all culminated in the perfect storm and I had exploded. You know that saying, “You don’t know what’s in a tea bag until it’s put in boiling water?” Well, who I really was came seeping out on Wednesday night and all of my shame along with it.

Have you ever had a situation like that? You are trying so hard to do what’s right and stay calm but the pressure keeps building until you feel that you can’t take it anymore and Bam! You explode. What do you do? I turned to the only One who can help me.

A Look at Psalm 88

Matt graciously took the kids for a few hours Friday morning so that I could be alone for a little bit. I began my Bible reading and journaling for the day. As apart of my reading, I read Psalm 88, and it was a balm for my brokenness. It personified exactly what I was feeling.

Psalm 88

3 For my soul is full of troubles…

4 …I am as a man that hath no strength.

7 Thy wrath lieth hard upon me, and thou hast afflicted me with all thy waves.

8 Thou hast put away mine acquaintance far from me: thou hast made me an abomination unto them…

9 Mine eye mourneth by reason of affliction: Lord, I have called daily upon thee, I have stretched out my hands unto thee.

The next few verses seemed to jump off the page at me.

11 Shall thy lovingkindess be declared in the grave? or thy faithfulness in destruction?

12 Shall thy wonders be known in the dark? and thy righteousness in the land of forgetfulness?

I’m So Broken

God used these verses to remind me that life is not about me. If I don’t get my focus back on God and off of my problems then who is going to teach God’s love to my children? Who is going to remind my husband that God has been faithful before and He will be faithful again? Who will teach the new ladies in our church the amazing wonders God did in the Old and New Testament and how He wants to do an amazing work in their life? And who will share with those still to come to our church that because of Jesus’ righteousness, He offers salvation freely to all?

God reminded me that I am so broken and foolish. Yet that’s Who He uses.

But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty; I Corinthians 1:27

Going Forward

So how do I go forward? First, I give all my bitterness and frustration to God. Then I look around at the beautiful life He has given me. I can see tiny shoots starting to poke through my grass outside and remember that new life is going to spring up in just a few weeks. I remember that winter will fade and spring will come. And it’s the same in my life. The things that pressure me now, will eventually fade. God promises a time and a season to everything. There is a season coming bringing new life and growth and blessing in my life. God has always brought us through every hard time before, and He will do it again this time.

photo credit: Aaron Burden