Category Archives: Personal Growth

I Have Nothing To Prove

(Note: The link in this post is an affiliate link, and I will be compensated when you make a purchase by clicking on my link. Please read my disclosure policy here.)

nothing to proveTrying to Prove My Worth

I just finished reading the book Nothing to Prove: Why We Can Stop Trying So Hard by Jennie Allen. It was such a great book! The title alone says it all!

I have spent so many years of my life trying to prove my worth, trying to measure up to the next person, trying to find my value in what I do. After years of trying and failing, I have finally come to realize– It’s not going to happen. I am never going to measure up to somebody else because I am not them. I am me, and I am learning to be okay with that.

There is so much peace to be found when we finally realize and live like we have nothing to prove. In her book, Jennie says,

So many of our problems come when imperfect people try to act as if they have it all together…We hide behind images we create of happy, clean, impressive lives. We are exhausted. Because if you create an image to hide behind, you’ll have to spend all your energy holding it up.

It is the simple things that will change the world… You do the simple work of loving God and loving people. It is messy, hard, not too glamorous. And that sounds like Jesus.

If you are tired of trying to measure up and live up to everybody else’s standards, then I highly recommend this book. It’s an invitation to look at life from a completely new point of view– one that realizes you can stop trying so hard because you have absolutely nothing to prove!

The Only Difference Between Winners and Losers

Desiring to Win

We all want to be winners in life, don’t we? We want to win in our finances, our jobs, our homes, our marriages, our kids, and so much more. I do too; so I read books, listen to podcasts, subscribe to blogs, take classes, and continue to learn and grow. Yet I feel so often like I am not making progress. The goals I had last year are the same goals I have for this year. The dreams I have are just that–they are still dreams. I want to do amazing things and accomplish great goals, yet I feel like I am stuck.

Spinning My Wheels

Sometimes I feel like I am just spinning my wheels; I feel like I am never going to accomplish what I want to accomplish. I take a few steps forward and then everything comes crashing down. We start getting out of debt; then unexpected circumstances and bills put us behind. I start making progress getting my house organized and cleaned; then I get sick and the whole house turns into a disaster zone. Our small church starts to gain a little momentum and grow; then we lose two families. I feel like I’m making progress in being a more loving mom to my kids; then something happens and I totally lose it and yell at my kids.

Getting Back Up Again

I was listening to preaching the other day and heard this quote that caught my attention:

“Everybody wins, and everybody loses. The difference between winners and losers is that winners get back up again.” (Rick Warren, Saddleback Church)

Hearing him say that was such an encouragement, because I fail so often! The Bible has something to say about this concept in the book of Proverbs.

“For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again: but the wicked shall fall into mischief.” Proverbs 24:1

The only difference between winners and losers is that winners choose to get back up again. They don’t give up. They choose to stand back up after failure, brush themselves off, and go at it again.

Trolls Song

My kids love watching the movie Trolls that came out a few months ago. In the movie, Poppy, the main character, sings a song called Get Back Up Again. I love the lyrics! It goes right in line with this thought.

Hey!
I’m not giving up today
There’s nothing getting in my way
And if you knock-knock me over
I will get back up again
Oh!
If something goes a little wrong
Well you can go ahead and bring it on
‘Cause if you knock-knock me over, I will get back up again

Do you have any dreams that you have given up on? What failures have knocked you down?  Choose today to stand up, brush yourself off and go at it again. You got this!

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

Girl walking on path

A Book Every Christian Should Read

Imagine Heaven Book Review

(Note: The link in this post is an affiliate link, and I will be compensated when you make a purchase by clicking on my link. Please read my disclosure policy here.)

A Skeptic

I just finished reading Imagine Heaven by John Burke. Matt bought this book to read as preparation for a sermon series on Heaven. At first, I was really skeptical about the book. I have always been skeptical of near death experiences and people who claim to have gone to Heaven and seen Jesus, but Matt started telling me about the first chapter and I was hooked. I decided to read it, and I am so glad I did! It changed my thinking on a very deep level about Heaven and how we see Jesus and much more. I read a lot of books, but this book has just moved to the top of my list of books I recommend.

The Controversy

I do realize that this is a very controversial topic and book. There are good leaders and pastors on both sides of the issue. I think it is definitely worth the read no matter which side you are on. The simple fact is that people are curious about Heaven. They’re reading books and watching movies about Heaven. Whatever your preconceived ideas are, put them away and read the book with an open mind. It will challenge the way you think about Heaven, life here on earth, Jesus, what is to come, God’s love, and so much more!

Waiting for God to Intervene

Do you ever feel stuck in your situation? Maybe you are praying for God to meet a financial need, and He just isn’t coming through. Or maybe a loved one is sick. You keep praying for God to heal them, but He just doesn’t seem to be listening. For me, right now, it is finances and church growth. Our payroll company messed up our taxes last year, so we owed a chunk of money this year. It seems that finances are always something we need God’s help with. The other thing we always need God’s intervention in is for our church. We started a church in 2011, but it has been slow to take off. Sometimes I feel so desperate for God to intervene in a situation in my life, and it seems He never will. I read this morning about a woman who must have felt the same way.

The story I read this morning in my Bible is the story of Abigail and Nabal. Abigail was the wife of Nabal, an evil man. The Bible describes Nabal as churlish and evil in his doings. Churlish means cruel, hard-hearted, obstinate. Abigail had to feel so stuck in this relationship to such a mean, ungodly man. Yet, amazingly, it did not affect her spirit. The Bible says that Abigail was a women of good understanding. She had a good comprehending of life and the events in her life.

When David was hiding from Saul, he sent messengers to Nabal and asked if he would provide food and drink for David and his men. David and his men had protected Nabal’s shepherds. Nabal proceeds to mock David to his messengers and sends them back to David with no food. Obviously, this really made David mad. So David decides to take revenge on Nabal and kill him and his family and servants. He gathers four hundred of his men to head to Nabal’s property to destroy him.

While this is happening, one of Nabal’s shepherds goes in and tells Nabal’s wife, Abigail, all that has transpired and that David and his men are on their way to destroy Nabal and all his property. Here is Abigail’s immediate response.

Then Abigail made haste, and took two hundred loaves, and two bottles of wine, and five sheep ready dressed, and five measures of parched corn, and an hundred clusters of raisins, and two hundred cakes of figs, and laid them on asses.

She rides out to meet David and his men with all the food loaded onto donkeys. She climbs off the donkey and bows on the ground before David and says, “Upon me, my lord, upon me let this iniquity be…” She then proceeds to tell David that her husband is a wicked man. She asks his forgiveness and shows him the food she has prepared for him and his men. David graciously accepts and tells her that if it were not for her coming to greet him, Nabal and all of his household would be dead by morning time. About ten days later, God kills Nabal and David sends for Abigail to become his wife.

It’s a crazy story but one that always makes me stop and consider. There are a few things that stand out to me when I read the story of Abigail.

  1. She was married to an incredibly evil man, yet she didn’t allow that to stop her from being kind and gracious.
  2. She was wise and had good understanding. She was able to look at a situation and know immediately the right thing to do.
  3. She took responsibility for a situation that was not her fault.

I believe those are the reasons that David took interest in her and took her as his wife once her husband died. For a time, Abigail’s life was miserable, but God intervened and changed everything. She became apart of the royal family. She had riches, power, a position, a good man for a husband, and more. She chose to be wise and kind in her season of life and God promoted her and gave her a wonderful future.

Abigail’s story encourages and challenges me. It’s a reminder to stay faithful and not let my circumstances dictate my feelings. Who knows when God will break through and intervene on my behalf?

 

How to Restore My Relationship with God

Do you ever feel far away from God? Sometimes I feel that I need to restore my relationship with Him back to where it was, but I’m not quite sure how. A few days ago, we had an incident with our little girl that made me think about this concept.

It was one of those days. A couple of days ago my one year-old daughter, Macey, got mad and threw her cereal bowl. She is old enough to know that it was wrong. I took her hand and led her over to the now empty bowl on the kitchen floor and said, “Macey, that was naughty. Do we throw our cereal bowls?” She kind of grunted out a no. Then I asked her to say, “sorry.” Now just a side note, she can say sorry. She has said it before. But did she say it on that day? Nope. My husband and I spent the next forty-five minutes trying to get her just to say sorry. Every time we said, “Macey, say sorry,” she would deliberately turn her head away. She wouldn’t look us in the eye. It was funny for a little bit, but then it got frustrating. We just wanted her to say sorry for her sake so she could move on and we could move on. Her little heart was full of guilt, which was why she wouldn’t look at us. We were trying to help her, but she wouldn’t let go.

Macey

I feel like I do this so many times with my relationship with God. I feel just like my Macey who wouldn’t look into our eyes. I feel like I can’t come before God, like I am not worthy of His time because I messed up again. Often my prayer looks something like this…

God, it’s me again. I’m so sorry. I got angry again. I yelled at my kids again. I am so frustrated. When am I going to get better at this? I want to do better and I just keep blowing it. I am such a horrible mom and wife. What am I supposed to do?

This is a regular prayer of mine. I feel as though I can’t look up, like I can’t look God in the eye because I am so ashamed of myself. Yet, God is just waiting for me to look up and acknowledge Him, and then He can direct me. Proverbs 3:6 says,

In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

The word acknowledge here means “to know, to ascertain (or make certain) by seeing.”  I could paraphrase the verse as,

Look up and see God in all areas of my life, and then He will guide my course.

To really look into someone’s eyes, you have to be vulnerable. This is how it is to “see” God. I have to let myself be seen. Show up and be vulnerable with Him. Talk to Him and tell Him how I feel but don’t hide. Let Him see me in all my mess because He already does anyway.

One of my favorite Bible verses Psalms 32:8 says,

 I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye.

The word guide literally means “to advise.” God wants to advise me in life, and He does that  with His eye. It’s such a weird way to describe our relationship with God. You have to be totally concentrated on somebody’s face to follow directions from just the movement of their eyes. God wants my full attention on Him so I don’t miss when He directs me.

Macey never did say sorry that day. It was kind of a rough day for her. She was miserable all day and cranky and pretty much cried every time we looked at her. If she would have just looked into our eyes and could understand how much we love her, she could have been spared of all her misery. But instead she wanted to hang on to her misery and guilt.

How often do I do that to God? I feel so far away from Him. I need to learn to let myself be vulnerable and open with Him and not let my sin keep me from an open relationship with Him. God loves me so much. He is just waiting for me to just say “sorry” and move on so our relationship can be restored.

Macey (on the right) on a happier day

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Am I Missing My Child’s Heart?

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I read the sentence in above in the book I was reading this morning, Life-Giving Leadership by Julia Matter and it totally stopped me in my tracks. Of course the author had to use the pronoun her! Why not use he? It was just too personal to me. You see, I am having the hardest time with my little girl right now. She is five, going on ten. She pushes me on everything! She fights with me, argues with me, is attacking her brother and sisters daily… I feel like I am at the end of my rope with her. But do you know what bothers me the most? It’s her anger. She is always so angry. Nobody would ever know it. She is a sweet girl with a huge smile and matching personality. But behind that smile is a temper just waiting to explode at any moment.

The reason I have such a hard time with her anger is because I see myself in her. I know where she gets her anger from. She gets her anger from her Mama, and that’s what breaks my heart. (I am asking God for victory every day in this area.)

So that’s the back story of why these words stopped me this morning in my tracks. Is it possible that I am meeting all my daughter’s physical needs, including discipline and correction, yet totally missing her heart? I have been so focused on trying to get control of her temper, and teaching her to be nice, correcting her… but how is her heart? To be honest, I am not really sure. I have been so overwhelmed with her behavior that I haven’t had a chance to really do a heart check with her.

These words encouraged me to find some time this week to talk to her, to really talk to her– the kind of talk where I am not distracted by my other three children or all the things I need to do. To find out– how is her heart? What is going on inside that little five-year-old brain? Is she scared? Is she just bored? Does she feel unloved? Does she feel like she is competing for our attention? How is my little girl’s heart? I am committing myself to finding a time and place to be able to find out this week!

 

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Sometimes Leadership Is Painful

Being a pastor’s wife is wonderfully rewarding and amazing, but sometimes it is a source of pain. Being a leader does not come without criticism from people. If I am not careful, the criticism of others turns to bitterness in my heart. Today I was reading about hurt and pain in leadership in the book LIfe-Giving Leadership by Julia Matter.

The greatest tactic of the enemy is to get you to stop loving and ministering to others and to retreat to where it is safe… Life giving leaders know that disappointment, conflict, and pain is part of life, and to close our hearts because of the possibility of pain is to close our hearts to life…If we let issues and disappointments sit and fester in our souls, they will be harder to deal with later. Emotional anger not dealt with will lead to sinful bitterness. Remember, no matter our circumstances, the state of our hearts will determine the direction of our lives and our leadership. We need to guard our hearts. Julia Matter, Life-Giving Leadership

As I read these words this morning, I couldn’t help but think about the ivy growing along the side of our house. We have lived in our home for five years now, and that ivy has been the bane of my existence. From April to November, every few weeks, I have to go and spend time trying to get the ivy off the brick. It is ridiculously hard to pull it off the brick. I break my nails, get scratched, and all dirty trying to get it off. If I finally do get it off, it leaves ugly white marks on the brick. I do all this work, knowing that in just a few weeks or months, I will have to go through all that work again. I hate ivy!

I think that bitterness in my life is just like that ivy. It is so easy to not think about it or even pay attention to it. Until one day, i notice that it has almost taken over the side of our house, and I now have to go and deal with it. Bitterness is just like that. I don’t even notice I have a problem with it. Then one day, I realize it has wrapped itself around my heart, strangling my desire for God and His Word, and stealing my joy. I have to then begin the hard work of getting to the base of my bitterness and ripping it out. But in the process, it leaves scars on my heart. And it never really disappears. It lies just below the surface, ready to grow back at any time if I allow it to, and put a stranglehold on me once again. God’s Word addresses this problem:

Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled; Hebrews 12:15

Bitterness is a root that can grow deep into the being of who I am, and it is desperately hard to get rid of. The most troubling part of this verse is that many people are defiled by it. Webster’s dictionary defines defiled as made dirty, or foul; polluted; soiled; corrupted; violated. Bitterness in my life pollutes and corrupts other people. Not good! I don’t want my husband and kids corrupted because of my bitterness. Nor do I want my extended family, friends, and ladies in my church affected by my bitterness. So what should I do?

How to Handle Bitterness

  1. Be on the lookout for bitterness. Just like my ivy, if I can catch the bitterness early, it won’t take over my heart. Every time I get hurt by someone, or criticized, it has the power to turn into bitterness in my life.
  2. Deal with the hurt and criticism to keep it from developing into full-blown bitterness. For me, this means talking to Matt about it. Hashing through it. Is there any truth in the criticism? Is the person criticizing me credible? What do I need to change?
  3. Ask the Lord for the grace to deal with the hurt. I continually bring it to the Lord in prayer until it is no longer at the forefront of my mind. I talk to the Lord about it. How that person hurt me, how they criticized me, how they don’t understand me… The great thing about talking to the Lord is that He is not going to text anyone with what I share with Him. He is not going to post it on Facebook. I don’t have to worry about someone overhearing me.
  4. Pray for the person or situation that has hurt me. In my case, usually it is people who hurt me, but sometimes it is a circumstance that is out of my control that hurts me. Either way, the hardest thing to do is to pray for the person that has hurt me. However, if I can do this, it will begin to heal my hurt heart and drive the bitterness away.
  5.   Reach out to someone who needs encouragement. If I can focus on someone else’s  problems, it helps to get the focus off of me and my hurt. When I don’t constantly dwell on my hurt, bitterness doesn’t have the power to put a stranglehold on me.

I have literally spent years of my life being controlled by bitterness, and it is not fun. Here’s the deal– I am a pastor’s wife. I am in a position of authority. I will be criticized. I will be hurt by people. It just is “gonna happen.” I can’t control that people will hurt me, but I can control how I handle it. How I choose to deal with hurt will determine the quality of my leadership.

God Always Has the Better Plan

About a year ago, we got slammed with about three months of medical bills. Our kids both had dental work done. Madison needed an extensive amount, and it cost us a pretty penny. During this time, Malachi had a few unplanned doctor’s appointments and a trip to the emergency room for what ended up being fluid in his hip-joint. Because of all this, we were barely keeping afloat. I was working really hard to save us money where I could, but we had more needs than money to cover them.

We were praying specifically for $300 dollars to be able to buy curriculum for homeschooling for the fall. A representative from the company we were going to order from was going to be in our area for two days. If you ordered from him, you could get free shipping and 25% off of your entire order. So we were really praying for $300.

We got a call from my mother-in-law. She said that a man from her church had given her a card to pass on to us. He had given money to our family in the past, so we were so excited to hear this. We decided we would drive to her house (about 45 minutes away) after nap time and pick up the card. When we got there, Matt opened the card and said, “Look!” I looked inside the card and saw a check. When I looked at it, it said three hundred dollars! My heart soared, but only for a second. When I looked at the check the second time, I realized it was addressed to our church, not to us. I pointed that out to my husband, and he just looked kinda sick. I was so discouraged! It was the exact amount we needed, and the card was written to us, but it was a gift for our church– not us. Feeling deflated, we didn’t stay long but beat a hasty retreat out of my in-law’s home. It was a quiet ride home. I was so frustrated! Why would God tease us like that?

I didn’t have the answers. I didn’t know if it was a test from God or something from Satan to discourage us. On the way home, Matt said, “God gives us just what we need for today.” I had to choose to let it go and trust God had a better plan. Was that easy? No; I asked God to help me trust Him and remember my life verse– Psalm 18:30 “As for God, his way is perfect…”  I had to trust that God had a better plan and rest in that.

A few weeks later, I got a call from a good friend of mine. She told me that she had ordered some curriculum for her daughter for school and didn’t like it and wanted to know if I wanted it. It just happened to be the same curriculum we were going to buy from the rep but didn’t have the money for. I’m so glad we just waited and trusted God! God’s plans are always so much better than my own!

The First Words That Came to Mind

A few years ago, we were sitting in line at a red light when somebody slammed into the back of our van. The other car hit us so hard that even though we were sitting still, the momentum pushed our van into the car in front of us and back again into the original car that had hit us. So by the time we stopped moving, we had been hit twice in the back of the van and once in the front. The back windshield had shattered, the van was totaled, our children were screaming; it was a mess.

Praise the Lord; everybody was fine, just shaken up. It was quite a traumatic experience for Matt and I and our two small children. Fast-forward one year later to almost the day, we were rear-ended again on the same road!! It was less than a mile from the location of the first accident. Once again, we were sitting in line at a red light talking when a cargo van slammed into us from behind. The impact pushed our van into the middle of a busy intersection. The back windshield shattered, the van was totaled, our now three children were screaming. Same exact story. I remember right after the impact, I turned quickly to check on the kids and said, “What the …?! ” I caught myself right before I put an expletive in there. I was so peeved that it had happened again!  The first thing that came to mind was not something good. I am always ashamed when I remember that story. In the heat of the moment, I got so worked up that I didn’t control what was coming out of my mouth.

Because of that story, I am always amazed and impressed with Job’s response to his trial, which far surpasses mine. I was reading in Job chapter one this morning. It is a very familiar story for most people. Job was the greatest man in the East in his day. He was incredibly wealthy, had ten children, and was very well-known. Yet in one day, he lost everything except for his wife. One by one, messengers come to tell Job of all that he had lost. As I come to the end of the chapter and feel the weight of Job’s grief and everything that he has lost, I find myself almost holding my breath. What is Job going to do? How is he going to respond? I wouldn’t be able to survive all this. What is his response?

Job 1:21 And said, Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.

I am always stunned when I read these words, no matter how many times I have read this account. How in the world could Job respond this way? In the worst moments of his life, his automatic response is to praise God’s name. I don’t know how anybody could do this. My thought is that Job was so used to praising God for all he had and seeing everything he had as a gift from God, that when the unthinkable happened, his automatic response was to praise the Lord. It doesn’t mean he didn’t grieve. The next several chapters record his grieving and hurting process. He just made it a practice to thank God for everything He had.

I am so challenged by Job’s response. The words that rush to my lips when something bad happens are not, “blessed be the name of the Lord.”  I have had nothing in my life as traumatic as Job’s story. His story challenges me to be so used to thanking God and seeing everything in my life as God sees it. Maybe one day, my automatic response could be like Job’s.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

 

The Discipline Years

Matt is preaching a parenting series on Sunday mornings at our church. Yesterday’s message was about the discipline years. Here are some of the key thoughts.

5 Ways we try to correct our kids (wrongly)

  1. Embarrass or shame our kids
  2. Punish them for embarrassing us
  3. Force them into our personality
  4. Whipping boy syndrome- we take out unresolved issues in our life on our kids
  5. Break them down

What happens when we discipline that way?

  1. If we embarrass and shame them- Guilt
  2. If we punish or embarrass them- Anger
  3. If we force them into our personality- Insecurity
  4. If we take out our unresolved issues on them- Fear
  5. If we break them down- Low self-worth

The goal of discipline or correction is connection. If we correct our kids without trying to connect with them, we will only create in them feelings of isolation and rejection.

Proverbs 3:11,12 “My son despise not the chastening of the LORD; neither be weary of his correction: For whom the LORD loveth he correcteth: even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.”

God loves us so much that He corrects us. If we love our children, we will take the time to correct them. I love the end of verse 12. God uses the picture of a father delighting in his son. That is how much God loves us and why He corrects us.

When we realize the big picture, that God loves us too much to not correct us to help us to be more like Him, it helps us to do the same with our children. Love them and correct them with the goal of connecting with them.

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