Do you ever feel far away from God? Sometimes I feel that I need to restore my relationship with Him back to where it was, but I’m not quite sure how. A few days ago, we had an incident with our little girl that made me think about this concept.
It was one of those days. A couple of days ago my one year-old daughter, Macey, got mad and threw her cereal bowl. She is old enough to know that it was wrong. I took her hand and led her over to the now empty bowl on the kitchen floor and said, “Macey, that was naughty. Do we throw our cereal bowls?” She kind of grunted out a no. Then I asked her to say, “sorry.” Now just a side note, she can say sorry. She has said it before. But did she say it on that day? Nope. My husband and I spent the next forty-five minutes trying to get her just to say sorry. Every time we said, “Macey, say sorry,” she would deliberately turn her head away. She wouldn’t look us in the eye. It was funny for a little bit, but then it got frustrating. We just wanted her to say sorry for her sake so she could move on and we could move on. Her little heart was full of guilt, which was why she wouldn’t look at us. We were trying to help her, but she wouldn’t let go.
Macey
I feel like I do this so many times with my relationship with God. I feel just like my Macey who wouldn’t look into our eyes. I feel like I can’t come before God, like I am not worthy of His time because I messed up again. Often my prayer looks something like this…
God, it’s me again. I’m so sorry. I got angry again. I yelled at my kids again. I am so frustrated. When am I going to get better at this? I want to do better and I just keep blowing it. I am such a horrible mom and wife. What am I supposed to do?
This is a regular prayer of mine. I feel as though I can’t look up, like I can’t look God in the eye because I am so ashamed of myself. Yet, God is just waiting for me to look up and acknowledge Him, and then He can direct me. Proverbs 3:6 says,
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
The word acknowledge here means “to know, to ascertain (or make certain) by seeing.” I could paraphrase the verse as,
Look up and see God in all areas of my life, and then He will guide my course.
To really look into someone’s eyes, you have to be vulnerable. This is how it is to “see” God. I have to let myself be seen. Show up and be vulnerable with Him. Talk to Him and tell Him how I feel but don’t hide. Let Him see me in all my mess because He already does anyway.
One of my favorite Bible verses Psalms 32:8 says,
I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye.
The word guide literally means “to advise.” God wants to advise me in life, and He does that with His eye. It’s such a weird way to describe our relationship with God. You have to be totally concentrated on somebody’s face to follow directions from just the movement of their eyes. God wants my full attention on Him so I don’t miss when He directs me.
Macey never did say sorry that day. It was kind of a rough day for her. She was miserable all day and cranky and pretty much cried every time we looked at her. If she would have just looked into our eyes and could understand how much we love her, she could have been spared of all her misery. But instead she wanted to hang on to her misery and guilt.
How often do I do that to God? I feel so far away from Him. I need to learn to let myself be vulnerable and open with Him and not let my sin keep me from an open relationship with Him. God loves me so much. He is just waiting for me to just say “sorry” and move on so our relationship can be restored.
Macey (on the right) on a happier day
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