We were on our way to church a few weeks ago. Everybody had done a good job getting ready on time and getting the house picked up, so we had time to stop at our Sunday morning favorite place—Wawa. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Wawa, it’s a glorified gas station with food screens to be able to order pretty much anything your heart desires. So we came out armed with breakfast sandwiches for the kids and coffee for Matt and I. It was a rainy day, but we were making the best of it.

Our Accident

We were less than ten minutes away from the church, driving and talking, when we saw a car come around the corner ahead of us and lose control of the vehicle. Matt tried to get out of its way, but it came into our lane and crashed into us. The airbags went off, coffee cups exploded, tossing coffee all over the front of the car and the windshield, breakfast sandwiches got smashed. All in all, it was a mess. Everybody was stunned but okay. Matt helped get the kids out of the car. My door was hit and unable to open, so I crawled out Matt’s door. Then we stood in the rain for the next hour or so while we waited for emergency crews to get there, the police to take our statement, and finally get a ride to church.

A Rough Morning

It went from being a really great morning to being a wreck…literally. Matt and I were soaking wet by the time we got to church. My hair was dripping water down my coffee-soaked and rain-soaked shirt. Needless to say, it was a rough morning. That morning came after a series of months of struggles—nothing serious but just things that were taking our time and attention. We’ve been trying for five months to get our kids insurance reinstated; it’s been a ridiculous process. The county has lost at least three of our applications, we’ve been given insurance and then had it pulled weeks later, due to negligence on their part. As a family with a daughter with major medical needs (our eight-year-old has Type 1 Diabetes), it’s been a stressful few months. We’ve spent hours and hours on the phone trying to get things straightened out. There have been some other pressures and things we’ve been dealing with the last few months as well.

God’s Protection

And yet, I can’t complain because God’s been good. The same weekend we had our accident, a family we know of also had an accident. They didn’t fare nearly as well. The mom died at the scene of the accident, and the sixteen-year-old daughter died a few days later. It’s absolutely heartbreaking. So when I compare, we have nothing to complain about; I am so thankful. And yet, life just keeps happening.

Have you ever been there? Nothing is truly, terribly wrong, so you feel like you shouldn’t complain. But the stressors and pressures just seem to be piling up.

Losing Control

I pulled back recently after feeling discouraged and honestly depressed. I struggle this time of year—when it feels like summer will never come in PA. We’ve had literally hundreds of days of rain and overcast skies, and that eventually wears you down. I’ve wondered what’s going on? Why do I feel like this?

And then in our small group on Tuesday night, Matt asked each of us to tell the group what it seems God is doing in our lives right now. I thought about it, and while I waited for my turn, I considered everything from these past few months…and it sort of hit me suddenly. I figured it out. God has been wrestling me for control, and I’ve been wrestling right back.

In my scheduled, planned out, homeschooled, writing world, control is everything for me. When I don’t have control, I spiral out of control. As I waited for my turn, I thought about how I’ve spent the last several months trying to control things that are absolutely out of my control. I feel like the accident was the icing on the cake of control…or lack thereof.

Wrestling for Control

So when it was my turn to share, I told everybody, “I think God is trying to take control, and I’m not letting him. I’m fighting him for control.” The group, who knows I’ve been losing my mind fighting for insurance the last several months understood exactly what I was talking about. This isn’t something new for me; fighting for control is something I’ve struggled with my entire life. And yet, I know that when I surrender those things that are out of my control to God, I have so much more peace. I know that; I just forget it sometimes. Tuesday night, I needed to be reminded of that.

So, I’m choosing, in the midst of my circumstances, to release the death grip I have on my life, my plans, my schedule…and letting God have control. I’ll still struggle and fight him for control, but He will graciously remind me that I don’t have any control. He’ll continue to shake up my life when things are starting to settle. He’ll get my attention. How do I know that? Because he’s done it time and time and time again in the past.

Finding Peace

If you’re in the same boat as me, wrestling God for control, or the thought of control because we don’t actually have control, find encouragement today in the fact that you can release your death grip on that control. You can allow God control and release that pressure you feel. I promise He will carry you and give you that peace you are longing for and work on your behalf along the way.

More Encouragement

For more encouragement, check out my post, Release What’s holding You Back or check out my devotional, Finding Free.