This Picture

Matt and I were at a conference a week ago in Central PA. The kids took this pic of us at a military museum we were visiting. I often think twice about posting pictures like this one of us on social media. I don’t want it to ever come across that Matt and I don’t have any problems—that we just have a perfect marriage. Because we don’t. We fight just like any other couple. Getting frustrated with each other and disappointed are just par for the course. We have to continually work on our marriage.

It’s easy to fall in love, but staying in love takes a lot of work. We know that subconsciously, but often we forget that practically. We take our spouse and our marriage for granted and can really end up in a mess.

Fifteen Years of Marriage

Matt and I will celebrate fifteen years of marriage this year. We definitely don’t have all the answers; I’m pretty sure most of what we know comes from doing things the wrong way! We’ve definitely learned what not to do. From counseling multiple couples for over ten years in our church plant, we have picked up on a few things that every couple struggles with and needs to be reminded of constantly.

15 for Making Your Marriage Work

Yesterday, I asked Matt about this post, and this is what he had to say.

You have to stay intentional in your marriage; it takes a lot of work. The people who seem like marriage is easy for them actually have just worked really hard at it over the years.

So, I asked Matt…What would be some tips on making a marriage work? Here’s a list of fifteen things we came up with in no particular order.

1. Know yourself and know your spouse. What makes them tick? What ticks them off? A great resource that we use all the time for couples in our church is The Flag Page. Learning your spouse is a lifetime process.
2. Listen to what your spouse wants and not what they say. This topic is near and dear to Matt’s heart. He actually has a book coming out soon with that title. When your spouse comes at you in frustration or anger, listen not to what they are telling you but what they are trying to get you to understand. Are they saying they need your attention? Are they feeling unloved, scared, fearful, etc?
3. Schedule a weekly date night. This is hands-down one of the most important things Matt and I do for our marriage. We know that no matter how crazy our week goes, we will connect on Thursday night. I know I will have his undivided attention for that time. Date night has been a staple of our marriage and something we look forward to every week.
4. Plan a getaway at least once a year for just you and your spouse—no kids. We do this each year around our anniversary. We do fun things like go to The Melting Pot, a new movie, a Christmas concert, etc.
5. Know what fills up your spouse and what drains them. Then help your spouse do more of what they love and maybe take on more of what drains them.
6. Know your spouse’s love language. The 5 Love Languages is a great tool for this.
7. Spend time together—go on walks together, drive together, make meals together, tag along when the other person has errands to run.
8. Find common interests. Create “shared experiences.” Common interests are what make a bond; that’s what happens when you’re dating. So carry it into your marriage.
9. Support each other. Support each other’s dreams, hobbies, interests.
10. Choose love. Every time, choose love. When you want to get angry, when you want to blame…chose love.
11. Put margin in your schedule. If you’re like ships passing in the night, you can’t connect. Find margin in your schedule to linger over breakfast, watch a movie together, sit and talk.
12. Put up boundaries. Discuss what’s okay and what’s not. Matt and I decided before we ever said “I do,” that the word divorce would not be a part of our marriage.
13. Dream together. What could life look like five or ten years from now? What do you both want to happen with your careers, kids, home, retirement, etc?
14. Laugh. If that means you need to go see a comedian, do it. There’s something about laughing together that draws you together and keeps you young.
15. Most important of all, be the first to apologize. I can’t tell you how many years passed in our marriage before I was the first to apologize. Don’t be like me. Be the first to say, “I’m sorry.” Forgiveness is the reset button for any marriage.

Choose Your Hard

Ask any married couple, and they will tell you that marriage is hard. Ask any divorced couple, and they will tell you that divorce is hard. We get to choose our hard. Which one will you choose? You have to work hard for your marriage and fight for it because nobody else will!

For More Encouragement

For more on this topic, check out our book, Pillowfights: Handling Marital Conflict.