Tag Archives: forgiveness

Freedom from the Shame that Says I’m Not Enough

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Struggling with Shame

I am convinced that there is one thing that keeps us back from accomplishing what God wants us to do with our lives, more than anything else. This one thing has stopped people from dreaming, from fulfilling God’s plan for their lives, from doing something great with God. What is it? SHAME.

I think that we, as women, struggle with shame so much. We get to the point that we don’t even realize how much it weighs us down because we are so used to carrying it around. It simply becomes part of our every day load. Yet, God never intended for us to carry around guilt all the time. That is totally on us.

God’s Forgiveness

When God chose to forgive us, he did so not because we deserved it. He forgave us because of His mercy and kindness and love. He gave us new life through His spirit.

When God our Savior revealed his kindness and love, he saved us, not because of the righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He washed away our sins, giving us a new birth and new life through the Holy Spirit. He generously poured out the Spirit upon us through Jesus Christ our Savior.  Because of his grace he made us right in his sight and gave us confidence that we will inherit eternal life.

Titus 3:4-7 NLT

So why do we choose to live in the guilt and shame of our past and sometimes present mistakes. Why do we convince ourselves that we aren’t enough? Why do we live in the shame and guilt of not enough?

I’m not doing enough.

I’m not a good enough mom.

I am not trying hard enough.

My kids deserve better.

My spouse deserves better.

I will never be more than this.

Flip the Script

We let our shame define us and define who we are, instead of letting God define who we are. We have to flip the script and personalize God’s truth.

I am a child of the most High God.

God created me perfectly and wonderfully.

God has adopted me, making me his family.

God loves me with unfailing love.

His mercy is fresh and available every single morning.

We have to change our thinking. We can’t allow negative thoughts to just swirl around in our heads all day long. Instead, we need to replace those negative thoughts of shame with truth. Paul explains that it’s like taking each thought captive.

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

II Corinthians 10:5 NLT

When you feel those feelings of shame and not enough begin to creep up, choose to replace them with truth. Often those feelings come late at night, when everybody’s in bed, and it’s hard to sleep. That’s when we need to have a thought or a verse ready to think about.

More Encouragement

For more encouragement, check out my husband’s book, Unmasked: Overcoming the Shame that Says You’re Not Enough. Or check out my post, Offering Grace When I want to Offer Shame.

When You Can’t Forgive Yourself

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quote about forgiveness

It’s so hard to forgive ourselves.

I talked with a friend recently who was heartbroken about some things in her life. With tears in her eyes, she said, “I would have never thought I would have done this.” Matt and I listened as she poured her heart out; then we reminded her that God still loved her.

Matt asked her, “Have you confessed it to God and asked his forgiveness?” She nodded and then spoke these words, “But it’s so hard to forgive myself.”

We’ve been there; we’ve all blown it. We have all made mistakes and done things that we wish we wouldn’t have. Sometimes though, it seems impossible to come back from those mistakes.

Will God stop forgiving me?

A friend in our small group recently told us that he had a friend who had done something he didn’t believe God could possibly forgive him for. What do you do when you feel like you can’t come back from something? Is there any sin that’s too much for God to forgive?

David from the Psalms says, “But with you (God) is forgiveness…” (Psalm 130:4) We know God forgives, but does he forgive me? And will he forgive me this time? Will I wear out his forgiveness? What happens when God gives up on me and stops forgiving me?

How often does God forgive?

We get an idea of how Jesus felt about forgiveness when Peter asks him a question about forgiveness one day. Peter asks Jesus this question, “How often do we have to forgive people? About seven times?”

Peter thought he was being really generous in offering the number seven. Yet, Jesus responds with an answer that shocks Peter. Jesus says, “Not seven times. Seventy times seven.”

Is 490 the magic number then? No, Jesus was trying to get Peter to understand the point he was making. We are to forgive and forgive and then forgive some more. If Jesus wants us to forgive that often, how much more is he willing to forgive us?

God is still faithful.

I John 1:9 doesn’t change, no matter how many times we mess up and fall.


If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

I John 1:9

We have to choose to get back up again.

The tough part about falling is getting back up. We have to pick ourselves up off the ground, ask God’s forgiveness, tell him we were wrong, and then choose to move forward. It’s tempting to stay down, to wallow in the messiness of it all. True courage is to stand up, confess, ask God for forgiveness, and move forward.

The hardest part of all of that is to choose to accept God’s forgiveness. Once we’ve confessed it, it’s done. We don’t have to keep confessing or keep reliving it. It’s simply done. God removes that sin from us and thinks about it no longer.

He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west. For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust.

Psalm 103: 12, 14

To move forward, we have to accept God’s forgiveness.

We have to choose to let it go. God’s forgiven it; we have to accept that forgiveness and move forward. If we don’t choose to accept his forgiveness, we won’t be able to move forward in life towards all that God has for us.

More Encouragement

For more on this topic, check out my post, What to do after Failure? A song to encourage your heart is Forgiven by Crowder.

5 Ways to Connect Regularly with Your Husband

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Sunrise at the Beach

Last week, we were at the beach for a week with my husband’s family. My husband, Matt and I decided to get up early each morning and walk to the beach, so we could watch the sunrise. It was amazing!

Matt and I will celebrated fifteen years of marriage this year. Do you know how many years it’s taken for both of us to get up early to go watch the sunrise at the beach? 14 years. This is the first year we’ve done it.

For many years, exhaustion kept us from getting much sleep as we had little ones. Other years, he got up early on a morning I didn’t or I did when he didn’t. This year we both were on the same page and went every morning together. After that, we would jump in the van and drive twenty minutes to the nearest Starbucks to get coffee. It was like a mini date every morning. It was amazing, but once again I repeat… it’s taken us fourteen years.

The Process of Time

When Matt and I first got married, I hated being a newly wed. I wanted to just jump ahead to being married several years. Similarly, I wanted to skip the newly wed fights and trying to figure each other out.

What I didn’t understand as a new wife was that there was nothing I could do to rush through the process of growing our relationship. Some things come with only with time, and a good marriage is one of them.

We can only get out of our relationships what we put into them. Am I saying that Matt and I have a perfect marriage? Nope. Far from it. Do we fight? Yes. Do we get angry and frustrated with each other? Yes. Have we said things we regret? All the time. Although we fight, we continue to choose to ask for forgiveness and choose to love the other person regardless.

We don’t get it all right, but we have figured out five ways to connect with each other on a regular basis.

5 Ways to Connect Regularly with Your Husband

1. Schedule a regular date night. We are blessed to live near family that can watch our kids, so we can have a date night each week. We go on a date every Thursday with very few exceptions.

2. Figure out a time to spend together every single day. We spend our mornings together. Matt and I get up early every morning and do our morning time routine at the table together. We enjoy the time together before the kids get up.

3. Spend time talking to your husband. It sounds so simple, but don’t underestimate the power of this. One of the common characteristics of couples we counsel who are on the verge of divorce is that they don’t talk with their spouse; they don’t connect with them on a regular basis.

4. Choose to forgive again and again. I am ashamed to say that it took me several years of being married before I would ever be the first one to say “I’m sorry.” There is incredible power behind the words, “I’m sorry. I was wrong. Please forgive me.” So many marriages could be saved if we could just learn to humble ourselves and say those words.

5. Lastly, figure out a time to connect physically. We schedule a weekly time to be physically intimate. We’ve told other couples this in counseling, and people are always are shocked when we say this. It sounds so unromantic. But the fact of the matter is, most couples struggles with their sex life. We learned early on that the best way to be consistent was to schedule it in.

Start Connecting This Week

These are just a few ideas to get you started connecting with your spouse. It’s an area we can all grow in. Choose one or two ways to try this next week and see if it doesn’t make a difference in your relationship.

More Encouragement

For more on this topic, check out Pillowfights: Handling Marital Conflict, a book Matt and I wrote or iMarriage—a DVD series by Andy Stanley about staying in love. Or check out my post, All the Ways My Husband Has Hurt Me.