Tag Archives: hurt

Don’t Push People Away

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Sometimes we forget that God uses people in our lives–both the good and the bad. If we don’t let people in our lives to help shape us, we will miss out on who God wants us to be.

Joseph’s Story

Joseph’s story from the Old Testament is pretty familiar. He had some really bad things happen to him. His brothers sold him into slavery. His boss’s wife falsely accused him of trying to force her, and his boss threw him in prison for it. While in prison, he interprets the butler’s dream, who promises to put in a good word with Pharaoh for him. But the butler forgets about Joseph…for two long years.

There are a lot of things that people did to him that would be impossible to forgive. And yet, each of those people played an intricate role in shaping Joseph’s life. Taking it a step further, each of those people helped put him in the position of second in command of all of Egypt.

God Worked in Every Detail

Think about this: If Joseph’s brothers wouldn’t have sold him, he wouldn’t have been in Egypt where Potiphar bought him. If Potiphar hadn’t thrown him in prison, he wouldn’t have met the butler and baker and interpreted their dreams. If the butler hadn’t forgotten about Joseph and left him there for two years, he probably wouldn’t have been able to track Joseph down when Pharaoh needed an interpretation of his dream. God was working behind the scenes in every detail of Jospeh’s life, so that when the time was right, Joseph was able to step into place and save an entire nation from starvation.

Allowing God to Work

We get so frustrated with people when they don’t think like us or do what we want them to do. And when people hurt us? Forget it! They’re dead to us. Yet, God uses all kinds of people to shape us and direct us and challenge us so that ultimately we become who he wants us to be. if we’re not careful though, we can circumvent that process. We can sidestep what God is trying to do, how he’s trying to work when we push people out of our lives.

We can also take it a step further and do this in our kids’ lives. Instead of stepping in all the time, we have to let others help shape our kids and correct them. It’s all part of growing into who God wants them to be.

If we want to be who God’s created us to be and step into the path and plan he has for our lives, we have to allow people to influence us along the way. It may mean putting up with a little more hurt and a little more frustration; but it can also add more love, fulfillment, and contentment in our lives as God uses those people to help shape us into who he wants us to be.

Encouragement

For more on this topic, check out my post, God Uses Trials to Develop Iron in our Souls. A book to read to know when to allow people to help shape us and when to step away is Good Boundaries and Goodbyes by Lisa TerKeurst.

4 Ways to Encourage Yourself in the Lord

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There comes a time in every Christian’s life when you must learn to encourage yourself in the Lord. There is only so much help you can get from listening to preaching, reading an inspiring book, or listening to an uplifting song. Eventually, a time will come in your life when you are going to need something more. You are going to need God Himself to encourage you. It is a time when the trial is so great, the pain so intense, that your hope is gone. This is exactly where we find David in I Samuel 30.

David’s Hopeless Situation

For a time, David and his men and their families lived in the city of Ziklag. David and his men left to go help fight in a battle. They ended up not being needed in the war, so they returned home. Upon their arrival, they are met with an awful scene. The fierce Amalekites have invaded Ziklag, taken all the women and children captive, and burned the city with fire.

So David and his men came to the city, and, behold, it was burned with fire; and their wives, and their sons, and their daughters, were taken captives.

Then David and the people that were with him lifted up their voice and wept, until they had no more power to weep.

And David’s two wives were taken captives, Ahinoam the Jezreelitess, and Abigail the wife of Nabal the Carmelite.

 And David was greatly distressed; for the people spake of stoning him, because the soul of all the people was grieved, every man for his sons and for his daughters: but David encouraged himself in the Lord his God. I Samuel 30:3-6

David’s Encouragement

The men with him were in such shock and grief that they spoke of stoning David, their beloved leader. David is in an awful place. He is grieving for his own loss, and now he must face his men who are angry with him and want to kill him.

David did the only thing he knew to do, he turned to God. This was his habit, his go-to in bad situations. In the midst of loss and fear, David took time to give himself courage by spending time with  God.

How do you encourage yourself in the Lord? Matt and I have this outstanding joke that when the Bible talks about encouraging yourself in the Lord, it refers to having Mexican food. We are pretty sure that when David encouraged himself in the Lord, he went and ate Mexican food– some fajitas with chips and salsa and guac. Maybe not, but I have found a few things that have worked for me over the years.

4 Ways to Encourage Yourself in the Lord

  1. First I pray. I talk to God about everything that is on my mind– my burdens, hurts, frustrations, and pressures. I talk to Him honestly and openly about my problems and ask for His help.
  2. Next, I read my Bible and journal. If I need encouragement, I turn to Psalms or the Gospels. I spend time reading God’s words and just let Him speak to me. I have a journal that I use every day for my morning time with God, and I use that to write down what encourages me.
  3. Then I release write. For this, I use a different journal. I have a journal specifically for release writing. In it, I write out my frustration, exasperation, hurt, pain, whatever it is. I write it all down and get it out of my head. I find this helps me to be able to process what I am dealing with instead of just letting it roll around in my head, paralyzing me from moving forward.
  4. Lastly, I do something that encourages my spirit. I might go for a quiet walk, read an uplifting book, or listen to an encouraging podcast or good music.

These steps don’t fix the situation, but they give me the encouragement I need to keep moving forward. What about you? How do you encourage yourself in the Lord?

 

 

The Hidden Pain- A Peek into the Book I’m Writing

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lady typing on open laptop

In the writing process

Being Hurt By God

What do you do when something bad happens that is out of your control? How do you respond? I know we like to throw Romans 8:28 around a lot as Christians.

Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Don’t get me wrong. I love this verse, and this verse has comforted my heart on many occasions. But sometimes I hear it tossed around too much. Sometimes something happens that hurts us so deeply, and then somebody comes along and says, “It’s ok. It’s all going to work out for good, sweetie. Just hang in there.” And then you feel like punching them. Well, maybe I’m the only one that feels that way. Sometimes, though, life just hits you, and you can’t see how in the world it’s all going to work out. There are no words that help to comfort you.

What makes the problem an even bigger problem is when you feel the hurt is directly from God Himself. Have you ever been there? Maybe it was something you prayed for that didn’t happen. Maybe something happened in your life that you feel God could have stopped, but didn’t.

A Peek Inside My Book

We all deal with tests and trials in our lives, but I think the hardest ones are the ones when we feel like God is against us. It’s the hidden pain we carry– those trials that are too painful and too personal to share with anyone else. For the last six years, I have felt this way. So much so, that I am writing a book about it entitled The Hidden Pain. Here’s a quick peek from one of the chapters.

Boom! I sat up straight in my bed, my heart thudding in my chest. I didn’t know what had woken me up, but I knew some kind of explosion had. I didn’t know what time it was, but it was some time in the middle of the night. I couldn’t find my voice because of the fear coursing through my body. Before I could wake Matt, I heard banging on the front door. This startled me into action. “Matt, wake up. Something’s wrong. Someone’s banging on the front door.”

Matt was out of bed faster than I. He quickly walked out the door of our bedroom and into the hallway leading to the kids’ room. I pushed aside my covers and crawled out of bed behind him. As I entered the kids’ room, my eyes were drawn to the eerie glow coming from the kids’ window.

Just as noticed it, Matt said, “Bob and Debbie’s house is on fire!” (our neighbors.) A second later, he looked out the window and said, “No, it’s our van. Our van is on fire!”

Those few words pulled me out of the daze I was in and propelled me into action.

“Malachi and Madison, get out of bed now! There’s a fire!” Malachi and Madison woke up and jumped out of bed and started down the stairs towards the front door. I grabbed our little girl out of her crib and flew down the stairs behind Malachi and Madison. Matt had dressed lightning fast and was following us down the stairs to the front door where someone was still banging.

I opened the front door and instantly saw the police officer who had been banging on our door. Beyond him was a confusing mass of neighbors all yelling and shouting advice at the same time. The blast of heat hit me the second I stepped out of the house onto the front porch. Stunned for just a second, I glanced over at our van. Our van was completely engulfed in flames. Flames were shooting high into the sky. “Is everybody out of the house?” the officer asked. “Yes,” I weakly managed. Without looking back at the van, I sped down the steps with the kids and followed one of our neighbors to the safety of her home. Another of our neighbors took Maggie from my arms and carried her for me. He told Matt to stay and he would see to it that the kids and I would be safe.

As I walked away from our home and our burning van in my pajamas, I was in shock. I kept asking God to help the firefighters to get there fast. I begged Him to help the van not to explode. I prayed for him to keep my husband, the police officer, and our other neighbors safe. I understood the gravity of the situation. I knew that the fire was too close to our house, and that it was just a mere few feet from our electrical box.

I walked into the neighbor’s house. The lady brought us over to the couch to sit down. With a promise to keep me updated, the man turned and left to go back and see if he could do anything to help. The sweet neighbor lady put on cartoons for my kids to watch. Nobody said a word. My kids didn’t ask any questions. I was glad because I didn’t have any answers for them. I put a hand on my pregnant belly to reassure myself that our baby girl was ok. I kept listening, but still didn’t hear sirens. I couldn’t look out the window because of the fear I felt…

And an excerpt from later in the book…

This is painful. I feel so broken. I feel that God just keeps hammering away at me. But I choose to believe He has a plan. I know He’s trying to get rid of that anger that so often rears itself in this Mama, He is trying to eradicate the pride that stands out so strongly in my life, He is trying to build a boldness for Him in this introverted person, He is working to toughen me up a little bit—so that I am not so sensitive to every little thing people say or do. He has so much work to do in me! Sometimes it’s so discouraging. The only consolation I have is this—because the tests and trials keep coming, He hasn’t given up on me. He believes I am valuable to Him and to His work; He just needs to develop me more. So I wait and allow God to keep working. To keep changing me. To keep testing and trying me. To keep transforming me. Because He values the trying of my faith more valuable than gold.

I Peter 1:7 That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:

I am excited about this book and can’t wait to finish it and share it with you!

 

All the Ways My Husband Has Hurt Me

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The Fight

A few years ago, Matt and I had a fight. This wasn’t just any fight. This was a doozy. To this day, I don’t even remember what it was about. All I know is that I was mad. I remember taking out a notebook. Whenever I am upset and need to process what I am feeling, I always write down everything I am thinking and feeling in a journal. Well, this day, I decided to title the page– “All the Ways my Husband Has Hurt Me.” Basically it was everything I wanted to say to his face. I began a list, a long list of all the ways he had hurt me, the things he was wrong about, why I was upset at him, and so on. I came up with a lot. Honestly, I felt better when I got done writing. Then I sat and thought about how it was going to feel so good to prove my point and show him just how much he had hurt me.

Suddenly, I saw another expression in my mind’s eye. It was an expression of deep hurt on my husband’s face. I knew that if I gave him this paper, it would crush him. Was it worth it? Was it worth hurting him so badly just to prove my point? Just to prove that he was wrong and I was right? I knew it wasn’t. So I took the piece of paper, looked at it one last time, then ripped it out of the notebook, tore it up and threw it away.

I turned to another page in my notebook and began a new list. I entitled it– “The Things I Love About Matthew.” It took me a few begrudging minutes to get started, but then the words began to flow from my mind to the paper. By the time I was done, I had completely filled a paper, front and back, of what I love and appreciate about my husband.

The Resolution

A few hours later when Matt came back home, I didn’t say anything. I simply handed the paper to him. At that point, I was no longer angry. I had dealt with the problem. I asked God to forgive me where I was wrong, and I remembered again that the enemy was not my husband. I watched as Matt’s face fell before he even read the paper. I could see that he thought he knew what was coming and it wasn’t going to be good. Then I watched as he read the front, turned it over and read the back. By the time he got to the end, he had tears in his eyes. He said, “I’m so sorry,” and pulled me in for a tight hug.

We spent the next several hours discussing things, apologizing, and dealing with the problems. There have been so many times I have not handled our fights the right way. In fact, I’m ashamed to say that it took several years into our marriage for me to ever be the first to apologize. On that day, I finally did the right thing. Simply writing that list changed my attitude towards my husband, and that changed everything!

Obviously, that is not the last fight we have ever had. We still fight. Matt still hurts my feelings, and I still hurt him. Every couple fights, but when we focus on being kind and dealing with the problem instead of attacking each other, our relationship is not so devastated by these fights. We call this “fighting clean.” How I choose to respond to Matt in the midst of our worst fights has the power to heal the hurts between us or to deepen them and risk destroying our relationship.

 

Sometimes Leadership Is Painful

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Being a pastor’s wife is wonderfully rewarding and amazing, but sometimes it is a source of pain. Being a leader does not come without criticism from people. If I am not careful, the criticism of others turns to bitterness in my heart. Today I was reading about hurt and pain in leadership in the book LIfe-Giving Leadership by Julia Matter.

The greatest tactic of the enemy is to get you to stop loving and ministering to others and to retreat to where it is safe… Life giving leaders know that disappointment, conflict, and pain is part of life, and to close our hearts because of the possibility of pain is to close our hearts to life…If we let issues and disappointments sit and fester in our souls, they will be harder to deal with later. Emotional anger not dealt with will lead to sinful bitterness. Remember, no matter our circumstances, the state of our hearts will determine the direction of our lives and our leadership. We need to guard our hearts. Julia Matter, Life-Giving Leadership

As I read these words this morning, I couldn’t help but think about the ivy growing along the side of our house. We have lived in our home for five years now, and that ivy has been the bane of my existence. From April to November, every few weeks, I have to go and spend time trying to get the ivy off the brick. It is ridiculously hard to pull it off the brick. I break my nails, get scratched, and all dirty trying to get it off. If I finally do get it off, it leaves ugly white marks on the brick. I do all this work, knowing that in just a few weeks or months, I will have to go through all that work again. I hate ivy!

I think that bitterness in my life is just like that ivy. It is so easy to not think about it or even pay attention to it. Until one day, i notice that it has almost taken over the side of our house, and I now have to go and deal with it. Bitterness is just like that. I don’t even notice I have a problem with it. Then one day, I realize it has wrapped itself around my heart, strangling my desire for God and His Word, and stealing my joy. I have to then begin the hard work of getting to the base of my bitterness and ripping it out. But in the process, it leaves scars on my heart. And it never really disappears. It lies just below the surface, ready to grow back at any time if I allow it to, and put a stranglehold on me once again. God’s Word addresses this problem:

Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled; Hebrews 12:15

Bitterness is a root that can grow deep into the being of who I am, and it is desperately hard to get rid of. The most troubling part of this verse is that many people are defiled by it. Webster’s dictionary defines defiled as made dirty, or foul; polluted; soiled; corrupted; violated. Bitterness in my life pollutes and corrupts other people. Not good! I don’t want my husband and kids corrupted because of my bitterness. Nor do I want my extended family, friends, and ladies in my church affected by my bitterness. So what should I do?

How to Handle Bitterness

  1. Be on the lookout for bitterness. Just like my ivy, if I can catch the bitterness early, it won’t take over my heart. Every time I get hurt by someone, or criticized, it has the power to turn into bitterness in my life.
  2. Deal with the hurt and criticism to keep it from developing into full-blown bitterness. For me, this means talking to Matt about it. Hashing through it. Is there any truth in the criticism? Is the person criticizing me credible? What do I need to change?
  3. Ask the Lord for the grace to deal with the hurt. I continually bring it to the Lord in prayer until it is no longer at the forefront of my mind. I talk to the Lord about it. How that person hurt me, how they criticized me, how they don’t understand me… The great thing about talking to the Lord is that He is not going to text anyone with what I share with Him. He is not going to post it on Facebook. I don’t have to worry about someone overhearing me.
  4. Pray for the person or situation that has hurt me. In my case, usually it is people who hurt me, but sometimes it is a circumstance that is out of my control that hurts me. Either way, the hardest thing to do is to pray for the person that has hurt me. However, if I can do this, it will begin to heal my hurt heart and drive the bitterness away.
  5.   Reach out to someone who needs encouragement. If I can focus on someone else’s  problems, it helps to get the focus off of me and my hurt. When I don’t constantly dwell on my hurt, bitterness doesn’t have the power to put a stranglehold on me.

I have literally spent years of my life being controlled by bitterness, and it is not fun. Here’s the deal– I am a pastor’s wife. I am in a position of authority. I will be criticized. I will be hurt by people. It just is “gonna happen.” I can’t control that people will hurt me, but I can control how I handle it. How I choose to deal with hurt will determine the quality of my leadership.