Tag Archives: shame

Finding Freedom from Comparing Ourselves

Comparing ourselves to others is so easy; in fact, it’s too easy. Social media channels make it the easiest thing to see the perfect moments in somebody else’s life and feel the pressure that we don’t measure up. Do any of these thoughts feel familiar?

Comparing Ourselves

My house doesn’t look like that. I don’t know how she does that. She looks really good. How does she dress like that and look so good all the time? How are their kids so smart? Why doesn’t my husband say those things about me? I wish we had that kind of money. I wish we had a house like that. If we had more money, we could do that too. How do they make enough to get that car, that vacation, that….fill in the blank.

Have you ever found yourself spiraling with thoughts like these after being on social media? It doesn’t just have to come from social media, either. It can happen after going over to someone else’s house, after meeting with a friend for coffee, after seeing a commercial on tv. We find these thoughts pinging at us constantly. Satan knows just how to show us something that makes us want more than we have or make us think we don’t have enough.

Shaming Ourselves

Usually then, we take it one step further. We begin to shame ourselves for not measuring up to another person or idea. We feel completely inept and imperfect, and we begin to doubt ourselves. Then come the thoughts that paralyze us and keep us from moving forward.

I can’t do this. This isn’t working. I am a complete failure. How can anybody love me or stand to be around me? Why can’t I figure out life like everybody else? Why am I the only one who doesn’t have their act together?

I am so convinced that this is one of the greatest weapons Satan uses to keep us from doing what God wants us to do. He uses these doubts and questions to keep us side-lined or at least distracted. If we don’t feel good about ourselves, if we constantly doubt ourselves and feel shame, how in the world can we be of any use to God? The answer is we can’t be.

Emily Freeman, in her book, Simply Tuesday, says this:

The best way to sabotage my own success is to be obsessed with someone else’s.

Emily Freeman

Focusing Ourselves

The surest way to not succeed and not move forward in life is to focus on other people and their successes. Paul tells us how to combat this problem in the book of Galatians.

Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else. For we are each responsible for our own conduct.

Galatians 6:4,5 NLT

And we’re reminded of the foolishness of comparing ourselves to others in II Corinthians.

For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.

II Corinthians 10:12 KJV

Freeing Ourselves

So how do we free ourselves from the trap of comparison? Here are a few ways to get you started:

  1. Don’t compare yourself to others. Refuse to compare yourself or your work to other people or what they are doing. Keep your head down and stay focused on your own work.
  2. Take a break from social media, or limit your time on social media.
  3. Spend extra time each day practicing gratitude. Gratitude is a great way to combat envy.
  4. Start each day with God and get consistent with a morning time routine.
  5. Spend some time writing down your successes. What has God allowed you to accomplish? Then thank God for those successes.

Above all, remember that God created you uniquely you and gave you the talents and abilities needed to do the work he wants you to do. That’s all you have to focus on.

More Encouragement

For more on this topic, check out Sandra Stanley’s devotional Comparison Trap. It’s a 28-devotional and has a free accompanying app with corresponding videos.

You can also check out my Finding Free Products.

Book Launch Day at Our House

four kids sitting on couch

Our book launch crew

Today is the Day!

So today is book launch day at our house! My husband Matt wrote a book called Unmasked: Overcoming the Shame that Says You’re Not Enough. It released on Amazon this morning. You can click here to get your copy. Our kids have been excited and helping as best as they can- making messes, running around the house like crazies, and taking advantage of the fact that Mom and Dad are busy for the day. You get the idea!

Dealing with Shame

Ever since Matt knew that he wanted to write a book on shame, we have spent countless hours talking about shame. We have talked about the five emotions that shame impacts-Insecurity, Indecision, Insignificance, Rejection, and Inadequacy. Matt covers all of these in his book.

We all struggle with shame in different ways in our lives. It’s so prevalent in our culture today. It’s in our churches, the workplace, our schools, pretty much everywhere. Social media certainly hasn’t helped us any. I know for me, shame has paralyzed me at times in my life from being who God created me to be and doing what He wants me to do. I have always wanted to be meek and mild, quiet, proper, and soft-spoken. Unfortunately, that’s not exactly me. I am strong-willed and opinionated. I love a challenge, and I love to be in control. Yeah… not exactly meek and mild.

Free to Be Me

For years, I struggled with being me. I felt a need to portray a certain personality, especially as a Pastor’s wife. I felt like once people got to know the real me, they didn’t like me anymore. So I hid behind the quiet, unassuming Pastor’s wife persona. That is until I would let it slip and people could see the real me. Working through Matt’s book has helped me be free to be me. I need to constantly remind myself there is no shame in being who God created me to be. I have nothing to prove to anybody else, and neither do you!

One of the things Matt talks about in his book is that the best way for us to accomplish God’s purpose for our lives is to keep our eyes on God, not on those around us. Don’t look around at what everybody else is doing. Focus on who God created you to be and what He wants you to, and the shame will fade away!

 

 

Offering Grace When I Want to Offer Shame

Shaming Others

Shame is so prevalent in our culture today– especially in church, which is where I have spent my entire life. Now, nobody walks up to you and says, “Shame on you. You shouldn’t have…” fill in the blank. Nobody actually says that, but it’s implied. So we walk around with feelings of shame for the things we have done wrong. We get so discouraged with ourselves, our mistakes, our failures, and our shortcomings because people keep reminding us of them.

Why is that? We are Christians. We are supposed to be walking around full of grace and extending grace to others. Isn’t that what Jesus does for us? Jesus forgives us day after day for the same things over and over and over again.

Choosing to Extend Grace

You know what’s really hard? To extend grace to someone who has hurt us. Being a pastor’s wife, I am no stranger to hurt. People say things about my husband, about me, and about our ministry. Matt continually tells me, “We have to develop tough skin but keep a tender heart.” Let me tell you– I am bad at both of those things! I am not  good at taking criticism from people. People can be mean. It’s especially hard to take criticism when the criticism isn’t even true.

When I am criticized, there are two things that I am really trying to work on. Number one, I am trying to learn not to defend myself. Number two, I am trying to learn not to shame those who are criticizing me, but extend grace to them, even when they have hurt me.

Choosing to Look Past the Hurt

There is a very familiar saying that says, “Hurting people hurt people.” Whatever is going on in their own personal life is directly impacting why they are lashing out at me. I have to ask God to help me extend grace to them instead of shame. I want to tell everybody around me how they hurt me, how untrue their words are, how unspiritual they are, and so much more. Instead, I have to choose to not talk about it with other people. That is hard! I want to shame them and put them in their place, but I have to choose to offer grace instead. Grace offers them dignity by not talking to others about it. Grace is hard! But grace is what I keep asking Jesus to give to me, so how can I not extend it to others!